Monday, February 28, 2011

take that

why do i get this feeling that we've got it all a bit mixed up and discarded the real for the stupid?
take death.
so much of talk, thought, tradition, stuff about it. yet truly do we know it? it happens. beyond that, do we really know know? soul, consciousness, afterlife, journey of the spirit from realm to realm, takes 30 days, takes 49 days, heaven, hell, with god, will return, love never dies. but is any of this really there? all i know that is there is pain, madness within, a screaming i have to keep carefully away, a missing that makes my vitals slow down; not just mine, anyone's who has lost someone loved. someone not loved, that's another set of feelings or lack thereof.
whatever i do, the fact called death does not go away. everything else aside i stare mouth open at the disappearance of so much concrete, so much real.
all this mud that is me, that is you, in a hey gone. nothing. only memories, only pain, only laughter, only on my mind, in my heart, in my gut.
yet i have to believe all this is going somewhere, there is meaning, i have to do my best, i have a purpose. because that is the way of humans, the way that may be stupid, but it is the only way we know.
sometimes things don't make sense, often times they're not rational, there are days that i sense another world somewhere close by, something waiting to be known.
my stupid mind hopes you find it and take me there.

take will my child get into a good college?
aaaargh. my little one came along when i was 41, old enough to be her grandmother. how i wish i could give her all the love mine gave me. unconditional, over the top, silly, utter. o how much goodness that added to my mud.
but no. children are to be taught, brought up, monitored into shape, mud to be sculpted, to be bragged about, to be added to our success list, our look what i have list.
just love ya, kiddo. if i forget to show it, give me a whack. and do that homework.

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