in the middle of life

it' almost stopped surprising me now. nothing goes the way you imagine it would. not love, not life, not money, not even one single day. for years i resisted it. why can't things be the way i wish it to be, i imagine it to be, i have worked so hard for it to be, it's fair for it to be, i want it to be? why why why why why. then one day inside me a simple idea: why not. forget the constructs, forget what should happen is supposed to happen. observe what is happening. there's pain here, puzzlement, turning aways, large places of sadness, interspersed by little happies. yes, but keep looking, even when it hurts, even when all is a blinding maze, and then you see it. through all that, a path. a path that gets slowly clearer. my path. my life, where does it lead? who knows. i am learning to trust it. that is my path, i must follow it, the rest is all as i may never expect it to be, perhaps not even want it to be. yet it contains my path. that which leads me, that which gives me my own existence.
i am learning to see the spaces around real happenings. i am beginning to feel me. i am starting to free. just starting.